Well, it's been a while since I have tickled the keys purely for the sake of downloading my brain. It seems that these days stretch me too far and too thin to have much left for pondering. Dathan is out with the boys - apparently a combination of speed/crack/caffiene has been circulating through our air vents. Funny thing is though, only little boys between the ages of 2 1/2 and 4 years old can feel the effects! After question #302 pronounced with no intelligible "r" or "l" sounds came spilling out of Sam, and after he put the chair upon my right foot and scrambled up upon it for the third time while following me around the kitchen, I decided to retreat to my office. So here I am, what to say?
I'm pondering the difference between my life and that of my younger sister. We both live full lives - and envy the pleasures and simplicities of each others. She longs for a home full of children sounds - to have children around to push her buttons continuously and whatnot. I envy her coming home to a house that is exactly the way she left it - no Elmo music to be found anywhere, nobody asking for their bottom to be wiped clean - gourmet food ingredients begging to be turned into masterpieces that no body will wretch and gag over. I suppose we should trade responsibilities for a week to gain perspective...Maybe I just need a vacation...
Would my life be empty without the constant refining of wondering if I can be/do/act/achieve better? Be a kinder mommy? Find a new recipe that everyone likes? Strech my food budget a little further? Work just a little harder? In a word, YES. What kind of a mommy would I become if I DIDN'T cry and stretch to be better at patience and kindness? The rewards are full of sticky honey kisses and little arms barely reaching around my neck. How can I push myself to achieve better without the challenge needed to make ends meet and find foods that nourish bodies and palates? When I hear, "Mommy, you are the world's greatestest cooker ever!" I find I can go a little further, work a little harder. Is my life full? YES. Am I tired? YES.
Does the Lord cry over us the way we cry over the pain of our children? I think He does. I don't understand how He works - or why most of the time, but I am thankful for the blessing of this new perspective of how He loves me. I sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that he is punishing me for a bad choice or attitude. But then I watch my children do something that I have warned, and warned, and warned them not to do (ex: stick a hairpin in the electrical outlet) and I watch them get burned. Do I kiss their owies and treat their wounds? Yes. Do I stop them when they get down from my lap and pick up that darn hairpin again? No. (Here we go again!) I know that they are not going to learn this lesson from simply listening to my words - or they would have by now. Why should I expect God to save me from a consequence I have brought upon myself through steadfastly ignoring His reminders? Does He love me less because He didn't save me from the circumstance that produced so much pain? No way. Burns hurt. But I pray that I may never forget that they are branding my heart as His - refining me towards more holy and grace filled living. I hope my children can understand this when they grow towards maturity. I pray that their little souls know the depth of love surrounding them. I pray that they will one day walk humbly with their God...AND remember that their mommy is the greatestest cooker ever...
